Author Topic: Light as a feather-Part Six  (Read 2691 times)  Share 

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Offline mollytime

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Light as a feather-Part Six
« on: August 02, 2008, 06:34:37 PM »
After school, I swung out to the front gate, and stood in the wind, pulling out my cell phone. I held onto one crutch in my left hand and texted with my right. A car spun around the corner and came to a halt in front of me. I squinted at it. Josh got out. I sighed as he came towards me.
“I’ve already told you, over!!!” I cried, “Get the hell away from me, you jerk!”
“No way, babe. You didn’t break up with me. Nothing, like that happened.  We just had a fight. Anyway, your mum told me to pick you up,” He said. My cell phone buzzed and I looked own.

Toby wil pick u up

“Sorry, but I just got this weird text saying that my brother is picking me up. What a shame, ex!! You’ll just have to take some other poor girl home. What about that other girl you were going out with at the same time as me? Go take her home,” I yelled, flinging my arms out to emphasize the point. He frowned and looked around.
“Look, you got it all wrong. She was my sister’s friend, who…”
“You don’t have a sister, moron! Goodbye!” I said, hurrying down the footpath towards a car. Josh followed quickly. Toby got out the car, then noticed Josh.
“Hey, get the hell away from my car, Hamlet! And away from my sister!” He yelled, grabbing the front of Josh’s t-shirt.
“Cool it, dude. And don’t yell at me like that,” Josh said.
“I’ll yell at you any way I like! Stay away from my sister, or else! It was because of you that she got in a car accident! It’s your fault she’s hurt! And it’s your fault that she doesn’t want to go out with you any more! Now get back in your cheap ruddy car and drive away. Now!” Toby said fiercely.
Josh pulled away and stalked towards his car.
“Thanks,” I said once he got in the car, “For saving me twice. Once at the accident, and now here,”
“No probs. Mum  would have killed me if I hadn’t anyway. For both. Like the new car? Fancy, eh?” He grinned.
“Nice,” I said, touching the fake leather.
“That bastard who hit us got ten years of jail, almost twenty when you nearly died,”
“I nearly died?”
“Yeah. I mean you were in a coma for almost two months, and your heart gave away almost every week. They had to shock you awake again, but back into the coma. You nearly died like three times,” Toby said, looking at me while he was driving.
“Did you get hurt?”
“Only a little scratch. Anyway, the scar makes me look like a man,” Toby said showing a scar down his arm.
“Ouch!”  I winced.
“Nah! Only hurt a tiny bit. Watch out for the guys coming to dinner tonight though. They might hit on ya. I’ll make sure they don’t though. ‘Kay?”
“Thanks,” I said, as he turned up the drive. I swung out my crutches and went on up the drive. Toby carried my bag for me up the stairs, where I pulled out my chair from the desk and started my homework. After an hour, I took my pills and went for the bathroom for a shower. I washed my wounds carefully, and dressed them like the nurse said to. I sighed with relief as I pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a top. I hopped out the bathroom, back into my bedroom where my crutches were leaning against the bed. I threw the clothes on the bed and brushed out my hair. Bags under my eyes revealed a bad night’s sleep, especially when I kept dreaming about the crash. I hid the bags with make up and slipped my hands into the crutches hand holds. I swung out down the stairs carefully. As I entered the living room, the door bell rang.
“I’ll get it,” I yelled, before turning and going back out into the hall to the door. I leaned on one crutch while I opened the door. Three boys, all but one, with a nose-piercing, stood on the doorstep.
“Um, can I help you?” I asked nervously as Toby jumped down the stairs.
“These are my mates, Jess. Come in guys, and careful of her leg, would ya? Still a bit sore, isn’t Jess?” Toby said, pulling the door open more for the boys to come in.
“Yeah. I’ll go tell mum that they’re here,” I said, swinging down the hall into the kitchen.
“Mum, the devils from hell are here. And they’re starving,” I joked, getting a glass form the cupboard. Mum laughed and picked up the salad bowl. She filled it with chips as I filled the glass with water.
 “I’ll give them some chips,” She said, emptying the packet into the bowl.
“Yeah,” I said, taking a handful of chips, “That should last about a minute,” Mum smiled and clacked into the dining room.
I shook my head and downed the glass along with a vitamin pill. I sighed as I put the glass on the bench top. I swung out of the kitchen and into the dining room, where Mum was trying to get the boys to leave her precious porcelain alone.
“That isn’t good to eat, if you’re hungry. The chips would work better,” I said, taking another handful of chips and sitting down on one of the bench stools. The boys turned and stared at me.
“What? Never seen a girl eating chips before?” I snarled. One smirked and grabbed the bowl, stuffing a handful of chips into his mouth. He choked and dropped the bowl on the ground. One hit him on the back, forcing him to cough.
“Man, it isn’t good to waste good food!” One said.
“Especially since it’s the only food that isn’t as crunchy as porcelain,” I remarked.
“Quiet, doll face,” The choker said.
“And it doesn’t help that you got that choker necklace around your neck. You trying to go for Miss America?”
The other boys scoffed and smiled. The choker glared at them
“It’s cool man. She’s just playin’ with ya,” Toby said, getting in between the two boys and the choker.
“Jess, this is Cam, Bret and Mark,” Toby said. The choker, Cam, frowned at me and sat down at the far end of the table. I smiled cheerfully at him then swung into the kitchen to help mum. She hurried around the kitchen, putting dishes covered with glad-wrap on the bench. I stood at the side, uncovering them as she took a few plates out for the boys to eat off. When all the plates were unwrapped, Mum carried them out, two at a time, to the table, then sat me at the bench top, a meter away from the table. Toby kindly filled a plate with food for me then returned to his mates. They laughed out loud at jokes and whacked each other on the backs. Out the corner of my eye, I saw an old painting, hand painted. I swung over to it and stared at it. In the bottom corner was a wonky signature. J. Bradbury. Suddenly multiple images flashed in my head, words shouting in my head, over and over. My head burst, and screaming, I fell to the floor.

When I woke up, I was in hospital again.
“Great. When I finally get out of hospital, I’m back in again,” I muttered, easing myself up with my hands.
“Honey! Are you alright? You collapsed three hours ago at home, screaming!” Mum cried, walking into the room.
“First of all, where the heck is Josh? I’m gonna wring hos neck till he doesn’t have a neck anymore!” I threatened, wringing the air with my hands.
“What?”
“I said, I’ll kill him! Where are my crutches? Don’t just stand there, go find them!” I cried. Mum sat down beside me.
“Mum! Fine, where’s Toby? Get him to go punch Josh up!” I said. Toby, at that very moment, walked in.
“Do what? Did I just hear you threatening to ‘kill’ Josh Hamlet? You’ve got to be joking!”
“Does it look like I’m joking? How many months ago was it that he broke up with me? Five? I don’t know. All I remember, is that I fled from his house, crying. I’ll kill him!!” I shouted, throwing back the covers. Suddenly, I realised something. Eyes wide, I looked up to Mum.
“Mum. I think my memory has returned,” I croaked. Mum leapt up with a shout. She laughed and clasped her hands together. She hugged Toby hard, who struggled to get away, and looked back at me.
“Are you sure?” Mum asked.
“Toby. Come here,” I said. He walked over. I hit him on the shoulder.
“What was that for?” He whined.
“How many times have I told you, DON’T USE MY I-POD!” I shouted, yanking my i-pod from his ears. He grinned and gave me a hug.
“Welcome back!!” He said to me.
“Now, where’s Josh?” I asked menacingly, tapping my fingers together. I laughed evilly and grabbed my crutches from Mum.

The end
If it weren't for last minutes, nothing would get done.

Elmo loves wasabi, that's why Elmo has no eyelids.[Quoted from Elmo]

You don't have to be crazy to be me friend. But it sure helps.

If everything was chocolate, I'd have 42 fillings.

: )

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Light as a feather-Part Six
« on: August 02, 2008, 06:34:37 PM »

Offline piersdad

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2008, 06:55:16 PM »
fantastic have been relating  bits to piersmum and she enjoyed them.
she said you are really getting professional in your writing.

when i read the last bit  it was hard not to laugh and talk at the same time.

the little twist with a bit of mystery at the end really makes a story stand out.

 :1st: :1st:
you can try  the impossible now  but miracles take a little longer

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2008, 06:55:16 PM »

Offline piersdad

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2008, 12:58:32 PM »
Just re read the whole story again

2 spelling mistakes  fell--feel   here--hear

What can i say when some one i know writes such a good story
 I could re read it again and still feel the emotion right through to the end.


Quote
Now, where’s Josh?” I asked menacingly, tapping my fingers together. I laughed evilly and grabbed my crutches from Mum.

o my gosh i had better warn Josh jess does not want a murder on her hands :1st:
you can try  the impossible now  but miracles take a little longer

Offline Scarlet Lion

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2008, 12:36:51 PM »
What a wonderful, gripping story, harrowing as it recounts Jess' sensations as she slips in and out of the coma, and beautifully paced as it follows her gradual recovery. The dialogue is especially strong and demonstrates that, though Jess is struggling with her memory loss, this is one fiesty girl with a sharp sense of humout who's going to give life her very best shot.

The easy-going and fond relationship with Toby is also very well written.

A nice twist with the Josh/Jess relationship might have been for her to become a little attracted to him again, even though she's been told he dumped her -- after all, she only has other people's words to rely on, and he seems sincere in his desire to make up. Then, when her memory fully returns, she could be left at the end of the story not knowing what to do -- strangle him, whack him with her crutches, tell him she never wants to see him again...or, on the basis of a growing interest in him, give him another chance?   

Offline dbackfan

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2010, 09:42:19 AM »
Just read all six parts of your good story. You definitely have a sense of story and I hope you're still writing! I agree with piersdad that Part 1 is a bit too drawn out (needs tightening), but I found I wanted to keep reading to find out what was going on and what would happen next. You have a gift with dialog, realistic and fits the scene it's in.  You also revealed the relationships among characters nicely. I don't get the significance of the painting in Part 6; perhaps some fore-shadowing, or simply inserting its importance and meaning through Jessica's narration at the end would tie it in with the rest of the story. Or perhaps I missed something--must re-read it. Overall: I enjoyed it and hope to see more of your stories, especially recent ones!  :1st:
Terri McIntyre
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
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We all shine on.

Offline piersdad

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2010, 07:47:08 PM »
the painting to me was probably painted by the heroine and it brought back the memories  but some sort of mention in the first episode would really sew up the story.
you can try  the impossible now  but miracles take a little longer

Offline mollytime

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Re: Light as a feather-Part Six
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2010, 08:31:10 PM »
yeah. Thanks!
If it weren't for last minutes, nothing would get done.

Elmo loves wasabi, that's why Elmo has no eyelids.[Quoted from Elmo]

You don't have to be crazy to be me friend. But it sure helps.

If everything was chocolate, I'd have 42 fillings.

: )