Topic: The Monster

[piersdad]

Hi jimmy what?s up today
?Nothing much?
?Lets go fishing I have a neat new fishing line?

?Ok we will share it.?
"Where will we go" said Kay
"I know a place where the natives say there is a monster in a pool and they are scared of it."
"Oh! Lets go and look for it, where is it"

"It?s in a pool in the deep bush" said jimmy
"Are you brave enough to go there?
"Sure am" said Kay
"Ill will lead the way and watch out for the brambles."said Jimmy
"Are you sure you know the way" said Kay.
"Well they said it was up there some where in the bush I am sure if we follow the stream we will find it."
 "Ah here it might be it?s very deep and dark and looks spooky so it has to be the one."
"Ok let?s throw some bait in to the pool and see if the monster is there.
I bags to throw the first bit."
"Oh! no there come a duck to eat the bait now we will never see the monster"
"What?s that swirling in the water said Kay excitedly.
The duck it?s gone?" said Jimmy
"Lets go home I don?t think I want to catch that monster he can just stay there till the grown-ups catch it."
"Kay and jimmy where have you been said mom"
In the bush catching monsters and it eat a duck all up.
Are you sure said mom?
Yes cross my heart we both saw it eat a duck.
"Ok ill send some one up there tomorrow and see if the men can catch it." said mom.

"Hi Kay have you heard the news they have caught our monster" said jimmy
Wow how big was it.
"It was humongous" said Jimmy "it was 8 feet long and 9 inches across the head and it was the worlds biggest eel"

"Wow I am so glad we did not try to catch it  and
 I?m so glad the eel  wont  be eating  any more ducks" said Kay

[dbackfan]

Good continuation of the story.  After the dialog is interspersed with narration to give readers visuals and other details, it will move the story along nicely.  You handle dialog nicely!

[piersdad]

thanks  
the monster story can come after the cave explore

so far we have

inventiveness
father being supportive
a remote place tuai (easy to say and remember name )
boys being independant
adventure that grown ups do but kids dont seem to be able to do in a cty enviroment.
the cave  part gives fear, and confidence in a friend, and acomplishment having done some thing no one else has
punishment for doing some thing dangerous and mom is worried about kids
the monster part
sharing toys etc
gives caution if a job is too big and ask for help
a mom that supports and helps to get the monster
the recognition that the kids had found the world record eel.

i think we are getting away from the standard story tale  
have to think seriously about how to illustrate it
my son and daughter are fairly good artists
i will ask for advise/ ideas there

[dbackfan]

Yes, a rough draft is often messy with too many possible directions, unclear focus, characters not portrayed deeply enough if plot takes over.  One thing that needs to be decided is audience.  Will the story be geared toward beginning readers, intermediate, young adult, etc.?  Young adult and up wouldn't need the pictures, unless it's a short story for a magazine and magazine publishers usually have a staff of artists, or free-lancers they hire.  I think it would be great if your son or daughter wanted to illustrate your stories.  

I know you started off saying I could use the stories about your childhood in my fiction work, so if I've gotten off-track, let me know.  Creative writing is something I started doing when I was eight and was my major in college.  I also always wanted to be a teacher, so both dreams came true for me.  (I also wanted to be an astronomer, geologist, and naturalist, but unless one is Leonardo da Vinci, we can't do everything.)  You sound like a da Vinci to me, with all your interests and talents, but you may not be wanting to write professionally, rather just for fun, and that's okay.  I definitely would not want to create any anxiety!  It's wonderful that you created this forum for talking about writing and other topics you are interested in.  

Terri

[piersdad]

you are welcome to any of my stories

i am not that interested in publishing them my self as i have other hobies that just keep the money comming in and keep me in tooth paste and bread,

how ever i would be very interested and honoured is any of the stories i tell are used as a framework for a story published.

your rewrite of the 'kay the inventor' gave me goose pimple as it was so like me when i was small.
at 3 yrs old i had a tricycle that had a low carrier at the back and when i found it was unstable at speed i used to sit on the low carrier so that the darn thing would not tip.

i had many adventures  through life and so a story for any age is possible
perhaps a series that starts with a really good  beginners story as in the inventing, cave,monster one  then pick up on the hang glider one and other things as we get known.
once a first publication  is accepted  and hopefully sucessful then we would have to have plans for a continuation.

one of the stories that inspired me was about a 12 yr old boy that invented things like an aeroplane and flew his friends on adventures with his weird contraption.( my inspiration for the dragon)

I find it easy to enhance a mundane adventure to something with impact.
i start in the morning with a theme and as the day goes on i fantasise and and go through all the different things that might happen and at the end of the day the bits i remember are the best bits. a sort of filter to get rid of the uninteresting bits

once the frame work is done then the rewriting(the harder bit) has to be done

Yes cross my heart we both saw it eat a duck.
"Ok ill send some one up there tomorrow and see if the men can catch it." said mom.

this part does not flow as the reader will stop and think oh the poor duck so a lot more sympathy for the duck and the realisation that if the heros did not do something about the monster there would be no more ducks
so they have to tell the grown ups and if we want to extend the story the grown ups can have a really hard time  catching the worlds biggest eel
then the heros will be rewarded with the honour of finding and reporting this dreadfull monster
which was only an eel

a parallel is for kids to find it ok  to report dangerous adult in real life

[dbackfan]

Sounds good, Kay.  I'll give it a try then.  I like the series idea (move over, Harry Potter!) and publishers love series.  It's like an extended contract for them (and the authors, of course).  

I'm going to put a hold on it for a bit though and focus on the rest of my novel for middle readers.  It's 33,000 words and after 14 re-writes, I'd thought it was done, but my writer friend in Canada and my son, also a writer and musician, told me it really drags in places, and in other places I need to expound more on backgrounds, situations, etc.  My early reading background (William Faulkner, Ibsen, Henry James, Dostoyeski--did I spell that right?) wasn't preparing me to write for kids.  So I dove into Judy Blume, Maurice Sendak, Beverly Cleary, Madeleine L'Engle.  

Anyhoo, I must get my novel Ruins done.  So don't think I've forgotten The Secret Cave, Book I of the Adventures of Kay Edgecumbe!  I will check into the forum regularly.  I've downloaded all your stories into a folder with your name and want to use them not only for content, but for authentic New Zealand, western South Island little boy language, to capture your delightful sense of humor, and the relationship of that boy with other people, other animals, and the environment.  

Of course, you can email me directly as well.  By the way, is this forum open to my other writing friends?

My best regards, Terri

[piersdad]

yes the forum is open to writers and it seems as if it could blossum into that sort of forum  which is good.
i will carry on with looking into illustratins and  things and your encouragement has meant that at last i will put it down on paper.

sheesh now ive got to learn to be a kids writer

i was looking at some kids books in the local book shop andf none are anywhere like  my stories so that is good
see you later